The Ruins (2008)

Come for the Mayan mythology, Stay because you’re not allowed to leave.

Warm Mexican sunshine. Mayan ruins. Missing German tourists. An adventure waiting to happen? Not quite. 

What should be an exciting trip into a supernatural Mayan mystery is nothing more than a 90 minute guided stroll through the botanical gardens- hosted by the most aggressively beige group of teens committed to screen. 

Rule #1: If the taxi driver thinks it’s a bad idea, it probably is. 

If the dodgy taxi driver with the beat up yellow pick up doesn’t want to take you to a secret hidden jungle temple, that is not the start of a fun holiday anecdote.  

Turn the fuck around and go back to the beach. 

Bonus red flags include:

• Someone has disappeared there recently and this hasn’t been reported to the police.

• You decide to go on this little adventure in flip flops- Fucking flip flops! Jeez. 

• Silent locals appear with weapons.

• They don’t stop you from entering the ruins, that would be too helpful. 

• But they will kill you if you try to leave. 

• 1/10 trustpilot review for customer service
  

Rule #2: If your friends suck, you’re going to die.

If your expedition team contains any of the following archetypes, accept your fate now:

• A European tourist with a fancy accent that you met 5 minutes ago.

• A surfer bro with curly hair and zero survival instincts

• A blonde secondary girl whose only personality trait is “mild concern”

• A token brunette with the emotional range of a breadstick who wears flip flops in the fucking jungle.  

Rule #3: Your medical student is now your god. 

If there’s a Spanish speaking medical student in your group, cling to him like a carnivorous fucking plant. He will:

• Be calm. 

• Be rational. 

• Be the only one to suggest that some other European tourists will likely be around to assist in a few days.

• Suggest you’ll need to conserve water until then. 

• Be the only one with any common sense or survival instincts. 

Treasure this man and don’t let him die for you. Especially if you’re in fucking flip flops.  

Rule #4: If the final boss is a plant, you have failed. 

You’re given a Mayan temple in the middle of the jungle, rich with sacrificial history and curses, and you give the audience.. Carnivorous. Fucking. Plants. 

Plants that do nothing except nibble on some kids and have a talent for mimicry. 

Are they sentient? Demonic? Is this a human sacrifice? Unclear. 

At one point, armed Mayans surround our two survivors during their escape attempt. That built up tension leads somewhere? RIGHT?

No!

Just to a jeep, down a path, to the exit like school children leaving the playground. 

Rule #5: The only real lesson here. 

If someone says “hey let’s go to see a secret Mayan temple in the middle of the jungle” tell them:

Absolutely fucking not.

Work on your tan. 

Rather that than become hostage to topiary for 90 minutes of absolutely banality. 

Final Verdict: 2/5 - Dedicated to the med students who deserved better.